18 Jan 2018

The Newer Times


I
At 3.00pm yesterday, a large sinkhole appeared in the pedestrianized section of Chapel Street. Liverpool council have requested an investigation into the appearance of the hole and the Lord Mayor is looking into it.

II
In the city of Magnetogorsk this week, steelworker Boris Valigorsky discovered the distinct likeness  of the Russian Premiere on a salted cracker in a vodka bar over lunch. The Kremlin meanwhile strenuous denies it is Putin on the Ritz.

III
William Shatner, 72, famous for his roles as Captain James T. Kirk and T.J Hooker, faces assault charges following a visit to the White House this week, after misidentifying the presidential hairpiece as a Tribble.

IV
A certain Dolores Rheinart of Dolt, Missourri was dismayed to discover that the jar of pickled cauliflower florets she had won on Ebay.com, was in fact the preserved missing frontal lobe of Einstein’s brain.

V
Employees of the Manchester branch of Johnson Advertising Hoardings were forced to suspend work today, as Jonah Sutcliffe lost his footing while operating an industrial laminator and made an exhibition of himself on the factory floor.

VI
The prestigious wedding of Dieter and Magnus Johannsen was brought to premature halt today as the groom was accidentally treppaned by a malfunctioning camera drone. The footage is exceeding all viewing records on Youtube.

VII
Comedian and charity fundraiser Terry Clemmens suffered head injuries yesterday, while raising funds for Alzheimers Research with a bungee jump from the Clifton Suspension Bridge. His manager later stated that he assumed the cord had been ordered in Metric as opposed to Imperial dimensions.

VIII

In Bootle today, operatives in the neighbourhood spray tan salon ‘Shimmerpool’ celebrated their 1 Millionth customer by taking the train into the city and painting the town burnt sienna.